Ineffable
by redisthenewblackington
Summary: If Liz actually became pregnant while on the run with Reddington, then how did it all play out? How did they arrive in the terrible place they are today? Agnesgate/Lizzington headcanon gratification
1. Chapter 1

**AN:** This has been rattling around in my head ever since Krillov told Liz that her memories had been tampered with again just two years ago. Following the prologue, it'll consist of brief chapters with canon dialogue and character thoughts in support of agnesgate. Call it a headcanon, or maybe a what-could-have-happened, Lizzington-dreamworld fic. Thank you for reading, and if you have any thoughts about it, I'd also be very grateful to read them.

Disclaimer: I have no financial claim or ownership on The Blacklist or any of its characters.

* * *

 **Prologue**

Raymond Reddington was dead.

Or dying, maybe.

In her manic state, Liz had accidentally shot him in that diner. All of the passion and peace they'd found on the ocean was nothing more than a final desperate firing of his neurons, the synapses rallying for a long-awaited breath of pure joy before the end.

Or maybe he really was alive. He'd never _felt_ more alive... and that's exactly why it didn't seem _real_. They'd gone for two rounds before crashing, but he could have sworn that he would have been up for ten, were she not so exhausted.

Yet, if he were dead, then he shouldn't have fallen asleep and reawakened beside her.

He pondered all of this while gazing at her sculpted, nude form, miraculous and still sound asleep beside him. Now, if reality had indeed deigned to bestow this gift upon him, he had to face the possibility that the stirrings of wakefulness would color her face with regret.

Which would be fine, right?

Well, no. It would be excruciating, but appropriate.

When at last (at last?) she awakened, he was so lost in thought that he almost didn't even notice.

She screwed her eyes more tightly shut and groaned, her face pinched into a scowl. "I can _feel_ you looking at me."

He stifled a chuckle and delicately freed a stray hair that was trapped in her eyelashes. "Is that so? I'm sorry, sweetheart. Shhh, just go back to sleep."

She blindly reached for his hand and gave it a tight, brief squeeze for emphasis. "That'll be much easier if you stop staring."

 _Easier for her, maybe_. By his estimation, he'd slept for three hours. She, four. He'd been living mostly on catnaps for decades, taking them whenever he could. Sadly, she'd have to adjust herself to the same pretty soon, but not yet. He couldn't say when or even if they'd find themselves in another place this safe. By his estimation, this container was paradise.

Still, he could at least close his eyes, for now.

For her.

When she sensed that he had complied, she rolled her body to face away from him, tugging the hand that she still held until he was spooned tightly against her back. She pressed his hand against her sternum until she felt confident that he'd keep it there, and then let her own drop away as she relaxed.

In this moment, he knew two things. Number one: cuddling is never on the agenda of a woman suffering from post-coital regret. Number two: he needed to get his head in a more serious place, think about their next move- for many reasons, not the least of which was yet another a stiffening erection, threatening to make itself known.

What he didn't know, what he couldn't have known, was that she'd happily gratify the next one, and then countless more during their time together on the run. It wouldn't matter how the day had gone. They'd find both victory and solace in each other's arms, and it would have consequences for which they were wholly unprepared.

Red already believed that he understood sacrifice. He'd made so many of them over the years. Too soon however, it would find him in its purest, most unthinkably heartbreaking form.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN:** Hi guys. Our first scene with agnesgate stirrings is this very memorable one from The Djinn. (Shhhhh spoiler alert: the next scene is also from The Djinn) Thank you so much for reading! Reviews are welcomed and always appreciated!

Still disclaimed.

* * *

 **Chapter One**

Red entered Gerta's theatre from the rear door and immediately picked up on the sound of Liz speaking in a hushed voice, though he couldn't make out what she was saying. His hackles raised and he grabbed his gun from his rear holster, carefully making his way closer; she was supposed to be alone.

By the time he reached the stage, all was silent again. Finding that she was, in fact, alone, he naturally presumed that she'd been on the phone. Given her transparent attempt to busy herself with the wardrobe rack, he could guess that she'd heard him coming and didn't want him to know. It had to be Tom. Fucking Tom. As close as they'd become the last several weeks, he couldn't forget that they both still had their secrets.

Holstering his gun, he made a split-second decision not to call her out on it. At least she was safe, for now. More pressing matters were afoot. "What happened with The Djinn? We tracked you to the warehouse, but then you were gone and the tracking signal left the city."

Liz half-turned towards him, just a little too casually. "She had guards, so I couldn't ask her about the Cabal. I gave her the story, but she didn't believe I was being honest. She wanted to know my real fantasy."

She continued to flip through the rack, almost as if she were shopping in a department store.

 _Her real fantasy?_

He gave her a long, expectant stare, willing but failing to make her go on unprompted. He was beyond intrigued, his curiosity beyond piqued. He practically forgot about the mission. "So...?"

She grabbed a dress to give it a closer look but put it back, still only speaking to him over her shoulder. "Well.. I didn't say anything. I put the bug on her shoe."

"What is your fantasy?" It didn't surprise him that she didn't want to share it with The Djinn, but he was somewhat surprised that the woman had sensed Liz holding back from her. Hopefully she'd feel comfortable sharing it with him.

She glanced back over her shoulder and smiled, wavering slightly, still picking through garments. "It's been the same thing for as long as I can remember..." She lifted a pale, flowing chiffon dress and turned towards him.

Red realized with a start that although a little old-fashioned, it could pass for a wedding dress, maybe for an outdoor Spring wedding in the countryside. _Was that what she wanted?_

She continued, her eyes welling up, "I'm walking in a park with my husband." She held the dress up to herself and glanced down to see how it looked. "In between us is our little girl. I'm holding her hand in mine, and I never let go."

Their eyes met and Red's teared up, his lips briefly parting as if to speak. The break in her voice had an equal effect on his heart. He realized then, with gut-punching clarity, that if they continued as they were after clearing her name and securing her freedom, he'd only be keeping her from her life-long fantasy. She deserved it all, and there was no chance in hell he'd stand in her way. They could never have that together. It would be too dangerous.

They silently held each other's gaze for a breathless moment that stretched on and on... until Red's phone broke the spell and startled them both, chirping with news. His expression so easily hardened back into business mode. "Thanks to your shoe switcheroo, apparently we have an address for The Djinn."


	3. Chapter 3

**AN** : Yet again, time has gotten away from me. I apologize for the wait. Speaking of time, the canon 'on the run' timeline is so nebulous/all over the place that I'm def not fully committed to the theory behind the thoughts/subtext of this chapter, but it works for the story, so I'm rolling with it. Thanks to all my readers for the love and support. The next chapter is from Arioch Cain and will be much longer, I promise.

* * *

A shroud of silence engulfed the sedan during their drive from Alice's home to The Djinn's, each engrossed in their own respective thoughts. Liz tapped her fingers on her thighs, busying them to keep them off of her scar while she counted days and weeks, trying to assign dates to some of the places they had been- to things they had done. So lost was she in this endeavor that Red's uncharacteristic silence had escaped her completely until they'd arrived at their destination and exited the vehicle.

Frustrated, she set her own thoughts aside with a sigh and got down to business, scanning the area. "Alice was right. No guards," she announced. That was all well and good, but they still had no way of knowing what awaited them inside.

In lieu of a reply, Red pensively bit his lip and grabbed his gun, making his way towards the door. She followed suit, but couldn't help wondering about the impetus behind his solemn mood, wishing it were a better time to ask.

However, in this new, minute-by-minute world on the lam, opportunities were best taken with both hands, and without hesitation. They only had a moment, but there was no guarantee that another would arise. So, now. She had to know now.

Red couldn't be fretting over the same thing, could he? Sure, they were close, closer than ever, but were they _that_ close?

Her panicked mind easily latched onto the most obvious, logical explanation.

 _When you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras_ , she reminded herself.

"What? What is it? You've been quiet ever since we left Alice. Is it Dembe?"

He stopped in his tracks and she waited for him to turn and face her, but he seemed reluctant to do so.

"It's your fantasy."

Her heart was already racing, and his unexpected reply certainly didn't help. "What about it?" she asked the back of his head.

Liz didn't need to see his face to know that he was frowning as he slowly shook his head and turned around. He continued to shake his head as he licked his lips, searching for words. His arms lifted slightly and then fell as if in defeat before he finally met her gaze and carefully replied, "It's as it should be."

Like so many previous gut-wrenching moments between them, the only thing that she could bring herself to do was stare back at him and try to catch her breath.

She knew then- he knew that she was late, and she also knew exactly how he felt about it. He _did_ feel defeated. He couldn't see himself in her fantasy. Worse, he thought he'd ruined it.

Had he?


End file.
